Saturday, January 15, 2011

tiger, tiger

I never get depressed by a year ending. I like to always be moving forward, leaving behind any disappointments, regrets or mistakes. I take everything in life as a lesson. An opportunity to grow and learn more about the world in general, and myself as a person. As I put together this little video as a brief summary of my past year it gave me an excuse to quickly reflect on 365 days of my life.

2010 was an unusual year for me. I turned 30 which was more traumatic than I anticipated and the psychological after effects stalled me in a bad place for a while. After I recovered for my tri- decade dilemma I leapt into a mind set that craved change. I left my first real steady job after nearly 5 years. It had been going badly for a while contributing to a severe drop in serotonin which resulted in a lot of self destructive behaviour. This build up of resentment and anger and abuse of my physical self meant I spent a good part of 2010 very sick. My liver gave up and my brain swelled and I got to see the inside of a lot of hospitals and doctor's offices. It took nearly 4 months for me to recover but even longer mentally.

Now I faced a new challenge being at home alone all the time. This meant I had way too much time to myself. Too much time to dwell... Nothing to wake up for other than to "heal". Long periods of solitude have always been very dangerous for me. Which I knew all too well so I somehow pulled it together and decided to study, create a blog and try to be a writer. I took on a volunteer role with Food Water Shelter, an Australian charity based in Tanzania. I tried to be a good person. A better person.

Unfortunately my new endeavour as a writer has come with a lot of rejection and some distinct hurting of feelings. I discovered it's a lot harder to say "fuck it" when it is personal. Writing is a part of me and it took me nearly the whole year to learn how to deal with people's opinions a little better and ignore the hate/ criticism and move on. Actually that's a lie- I am still learning to deal with it even now. I do know that you can't carry that stuff with you because it makes you crazy. When you are hurt inside you have two choices- carry that pain, have it manifest in other ways and ultimately hurt others around you or let it go. I still sometimes cry and scream and things might get smashed but after a brief lapse I pull myself back together and move on. I learnt this from my mother.

So 2010 was filled with lots of great "learning" experiences, setbacks, depression, change and a little viral hepatic encephalitis- just for kicks but from my little video it's plain to see that somehow I also had a lot of fun. No regrets. Happy 2011.

tiger, tiger from Juliette Gillies on Vimeo.

1 comment:

  1. "I discovered it's a lot harder to say "fuck it" when it is personal"

    I so get this - your work is you, you are your work. It can be hard to separate the two so criticism and set backs most definitely hurt.
    I truly believe life is beautifully painful for artists, and quite extremely so. But it would be even more painful to live without seeing that pain can be beauty...
    Hope you understand. My lack of words frustrates me at the best of times!

    xR

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