Wednesday, January 4, 2012

twothousandandeleven...

2011 for me, was an awkward year. It was the year I felt most uncomfortable in my own skin and had the least amount of confidence in the decisions I was making. I think I took steps back in my personal development and for someone like me that is difficult as every day of my life I have tried to develop self awareness but the last 12 months has seen me lose focus and direction, first on the little things and then everything. I feel lost within myself and more 'unformed' in regards to my personality then possibly ever. I can't really explain to you why.

We had to move this year which caused a lot of problems. There was friction in my relationship. This was the first year in the last 5 years that we didn't travel overseas or have a proper holiday. I enrolled in a course but then suffered a huge failure to launch. It became more obvious to me that when I talk very few people care to listen. That I'm not sure how people view me as a person but I don't think it is in a positive way. I don't view myself in a positive way... I had a lot of rejection this year. A lot of people telling me that I'm not good enough. Which is okay if for example, Henry Miller told me he didn't think I could write.

As I get older I find myself missing youth. Youth is such a luxury. You can fuck up and make mistakes and not have the answers but as you get older you're suppose to get it. But I don't get it yet. I still stand in the grocery aisle for 5 minutes trying to decide what deodorant to buy. I really thought I would have that figured out by now... As you get older things get grey and not just your hair. The world is different. It becomes a place where bad things happen all the time and it doesn't matter how good you are because tragedy is random. You can't be anything you want and people won't respect you just because you are a good person. Stupidity is rewarded and people with no talent or skill can get paid millions of dollars to turn up to a party while you earn peanuts working a 18 hour day. The magic and sparkle rubs off and no amount of Jim Henson or Harry Potter can really make it seem any different. Bummer, I know. Sorry for the downer.

On the upside I know what I don't want. I don't want to be unhappy or be near people who make me unhappy. I don't want to be boring or be bored with life. I want to travel more, see more and be more but at the same time I want to feel secure and loved at home. I want to be me. Whoever that is.

Highlights of 2011- my best friend came back from Europe, I started writing for The Brag which introduced me to some great music, I got to spend time with my family, my mum is now three years clear of breast cancer, I finally saw the Picasso exhibition that I missed in Paris because it was closed, I continued my volunteer role with Food Water Shelter, had lots of cuddles with my fur baby, hubs made me proud, I tucked away my shyness for a few hours and did an acting workshop, I saw good bands, discovered some really talented bloggers and people, ate good food, took some photos I was happy with and should kiss the ground I walk on that I am so lucky to live in this beautiful country and to have so much freedom.

But I can't right now. Maybe later this year (first world problems)...

Low points of 2011- are all in the past and it's time to move on (because I haven't reverted enough to have regrets).

Goals for 2012- be happy, make others happy, live big, love, travel, get a decent job and learn to use my DSLR camera. If I can fit in finishing a feature length screen play, losing 5kgs and completing my course that would be good too.

Happy New Year all! I hope you find what you're looking for in 2012. I hope to find it too. All the best! xx

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully honest.
    Don't worry, I still stand in the supermarket aisle choosing a deodorant for five minutes too (though after countless disappointments my choice last week was/is actually good). Hoorah!

    May this year be everything that you want it to be and more. Take control and kick fear, disappointment and the people who tell you you can't write (because you can) in the arse.

    x

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